Volunteering

As nice as I am to old people, I have to admit I don't contribute much else to society. I'm tired of feeling bad about it, but not willing to ... change. I'm not a great liar either, so that won't work. But I think I've found a loophole. From now on, in my spare time, I volunteer. This is true. I will work it into conversation.

The trick is to change the subject as quickly as possible after saying it. I don't want anyone asking for specifics, because I'm volunteering to watch TV, volunteering to eat burritos, volunteering to break things and trip constantly, volunteering to not donate money or help anyone, etc. But that takes too long to say. I will sum all of this up by condensing it into "I volunteer." If people want to assume that I'm washing the feet of the poor and walking groups of blind orphan dogs on the beach, so be it.