Jesus Didn't Know Shit

What's the meaning of life? What is heaven like? What's the cover charge? These are the ultimate questions of mankind, and yet nobody thought to ask Jesus while he was here. The Bible is disappointing in so many ways - small text, no pictures, conflicting messages about who to stone or not stone - but here's the part that's most troublesome. Here we had the son of God in our hands and we let him get away without any answers.

What did we learn from the man? I dare say not much we didn't already know. Don't murder? Way to clear up the confusion. Don't steal, don't covet, water is a solid, claim your parents have never had sex, de-thorn your crown before wearing, and your closest friends are gonna sell you out. Pretty obvious stuff. What did we not learn? Everything important.

If we're going to vet the President, we should do the same for God. Anyone claiming to be God better have good, specific and satisfying answers to these questions or they're out. It's hard enough asking for proof in this day and age, or pondering the eternal questions, but why in God's name didn't someone do it back then?

I'm thankful my family has never made me announce what I'm thankful for.

The Hamas terrorist organization traded prisoner Gilad Shalit to the Israelis in exchange for the release of 1,027 Palestinian prisoners. Did Israel learn nothing from the Herschel Walker trade?

All these grade schools got their 'Drug Free' signs up, but I don't think these kids have been tested. And nobody's impressed until you make it through high school anyway.

Cops and Robbers

One of our favorite games growing up was the classic "Cops and Robbers." So many great memories. We'd hop on our bikes and head over to the park, one group playing the good guys, fighting to save the city from destruction, while the other took the role of the bad guys, evil villains with no concerns for anyone but themselves and a blatant disregard for traffic laws.

As "cops" we would always head straight for the biggest tree to hide behind and prepare to strike when the filthy criminals passed by, running an errand at a speed clearly over the posted limits. Ready for a battle with guns drawn, radar guns that is, we weren't going to let anyone put their fellow riders in even the slightest amount of a reasonable expectation of danger. The bad guys didn't go down without a fight, or at least a complaint. But their inconvenience was no match for our badges and weapons. Plus we needed that change for the ice cream truck; and it was something to do before it got dark out. It felt great to ride around knowing we could break whichever rules we felt like while keeping everyone else on their toes. "Don't catch me on a bad day" was our motto. Boy do I miss those days of feeling like a hero.

As "robbers" we roamed the park terror-stricken and panicked over making the slightest mistake. We were designated as the bad guys, although sometimes we weren't sure why. The minute our attention wandered, the second we let our guard down, we had made a minor mistake and knew we had to pay for it. We may have thought we were playing safely, but they knew better and made sure to put us in our place. "What an asshole," we used to say, I think. Some of the robbers would have squirt guns, but the cops didn't wanna take a chance in getting wet. And forget about swerving onto the grass after too much Mountain Dew. That could cost you any further use of your bike depending on your sugar levels at the time. Come to think of it, it wasn't nearly as fun to be on that team.

Day Two, No DVR

Can someone tell me what time all my favorite shows are on? For those unaware, I have recently moved to amish country. Well, the amish district of Gardena, CA. Here at my parents' house, advertisements for products or services are shown right smack dab in the middle of a TV program or sporting event. Programs are shown during a predetermined, scheduled time slot. Want some milk? Grab a stool and a bucket.

I am on day two of no DVR after some three plus years of this miracle supporting my existence. And in sharing the TV with the ladies of the house, I have gone from six hours a day of playoff basketball, to six hours of Real Housewives of Some County and Real Housewives of a Different Location. But I'm taking it in stride. So far it really hasn't been too bad I want to die this is torture! Ahem, excuse me.

But seriously, I would imagine this is what being a prisoner at Guantanamo Bay is like, and our country should be better than that. This crosses a line. But I'd give up any and all information I have to get myself out of this. Loyalties be damned!

The horror of having to run to the bathroom during a commercial break is something nobody should have to go through. It's inhumane. Yes, Bin Laden is dead, but if I'm forced to decide between The Colbert Report and the fourth quarter of Lakers - Mavericks, have the terrorists already won? Are we really free in a country where I am a slave to the programming guide? It's not the world I grew up in. Or, to put it another way, it is. And I'm not sure how I made it this far.

Close vs. Controversial

A note to sports writers - call it as you see it, not how the public sees it. That is the idea, isn't it? So the next time a crowd boos a fight's decision, remember that that doesn't necessarily mean the wrong guy won. There's an annoyingly popular trend of tricking me into believing something that isn't so. Inexcusable.

The latest case - a "controversial" decision win by Diego Sanchez over Martin Kampmann. Quotation marks note a lack of controversy upon viewing. Dish Network wants me to pay extra for Versus, so I had to rely on a handful of online stories and a quick highlight video, all of which had me assuming that Kampmann was robbed. Not so.

Granted, when I saw the five-second ESPN highlight, I initially wondered why Sanchez was allowed to wear a red mask in the cage. During the intro, sure. I'm all about hype. But it didn't seem to be regulation equipment. My mistake. Blood. OK, so he didn't have any more skin on his face, that's definitely gonna cost him some points. If you were judging the fight based solely on each guy's post-fight attractiveness, you would have a clear winner.

Once I watched the fight for myself, the controversy was gone. It was a close fight, with a correct decision. Close does not equal controversial. Sanchez suffered all the facial damage in round one, but was superior in rounds two and three. All three judges scored it 29-28. A rare case of flawless judging, in fact.

In a close fight, a certain percentage of the public is going to think the other guy won. That doesn't make them right. And if they're not, don't think you have to agree with them. I'm holding the professionals to a higher standard. Unfortunately for Diego, his courageous performance may forever be unfairly considered controversial. (Also, how do you boo a guy whose face looks like that?)